I hate instagram. And hashtags. And people who are genuinly excited about the new iPhone. I hate girls who take selfies and pull duck face NOT ironically. I hate sitting on the bus and seeing the screens of people’s phones light up their faces as they text, tweet, facebook or play Angry Birds. I hate girls who work in retail who try to convince me that a pastel coloured nail polish will really go well with that new top. I hate that our fundamental needs and innate attributes as human beings are either not fully accomodated or blatantly discouraged by our culture and society as a whole. 

Nothing aligns. Nothing is easy. Nothing makes sense.

I’m sick of being stuck in my head in a world where the entire population is suffering the exact same problem.

And then comes the insufferable guilt for not actually being what everyone seems to think should be a default state of being; happy.

I’m guilty of a few of the things I have mentioned above, I’ll admit it. And not to mention I’m posting this on Tumblr of all places. But I’m overwhelmed and tired. 

I feel like I’m at the end and the beginning of a lot of things. The perception I have of myself changes every minute of everyday and it’s very rarely positive. Perhaps it’s culminating in a realisation I need to change a lot of what I do to be more fulfilled. I have to realise that a lot of my life has been spent lying to myself and others about what I truly want or think.

I’ve spent my whole life quietly accomodating other people’s feelings, opinions and perceived needs because it’s been easy. Quite frankly the alternative scared me. That being, doing what I want without the fear of judgement or social alienation.

What the fuck does Courtney Jurd actually want?

Weirdly enough this is probably the first time I have genuinly asked myself that question.

What do you do when all the passion is gone.